The Long Nights - Understanding the Pain of Grief

During our lives, we will undoubtedly face the horrible pain of death, often many times, and there are numerous misunderstandings surrounding how we grieve or should grieve. This can cause much confusion and sometimes even make the grieving process more difficult.

There is no definite timeline as to how long a person will grieve. The truth is, we never “get over it” although as time goes on, the intensity should not be as strong as we learn to live without our loved one. Even after many years, you can suddenly one day be overwhelmed with sadness as you think about the one you love so much. This is normal.

We are all individuals and as such, we all grieve differently. The intensity and length of grief is largely dependent on the bond or the importance of the loved one to us. Other factors may come into play such as how the loved one died, the quality of the relationship, unresolved issues, your view of life after death, etc. Multiple deaths (such as in a car accident) can complicate the grieving process. Disenfranchised grief is a term we use to describe the inability to grieve normally because of society’s opinion of the deceased or the way the person died, such as the death of a murderer, sex offender, etc. The survivors may not feel they can openly grieve and sometimes prefer to remain in the shadows because of feelings of shame or even guilt or that they, themselves, are unaccepted simply through association.

Many feel abandoned after the loss of a pet because society generally does not understand the strong bond that can develop between people and animals. Often, the loss of a child through miscarriage or abortion is dismissed as well. Similarly, if a baby survives only a few hours or even minutes due to birth defects, some don’t know what to say to the parents and even add to the pain with remarks such as, “It’s best this way” or “You’ll have another”. These comments are not helpful and sometimes it is better to say nothing.

Having a way to say goodbye is very important. Funerals, memorials, and other ceremonies provide an outward way to pay respect to the one who passed away, as well as consolation for the survivors. A person’s faith can be a very significant source of peace.

Receiving ongoing support from caring individuals is very important and there are so many ways we can do this. We can visit the grieving person, call them, make them a meal, or help them with errands or chores around the house. Let them know you are there for them. Many people feel abandoned after a month or so because all those who had been there initially, suddenly disappear. Even a phone call every couple of weeks is greatly appreciated and helps the person know they are not alone.

Try not to make major decisions during the first year if possible because sometimes the ability to think clearly is affected.

Finally, if you are struggling with your grief, there are individuals and organizations to help you. You do not have to go through the pain alone.

Some available resources:

Friends in Grief, Inc., 1030 Upper James Street, Suite 201, Hamilton, Ontario, L9C 6X6 Tel: 905-318-0059 E: friendsingrief@rogers.com Bereaved Families of Ontario- Hamilton Burlington, Well Health Centre, 293 Wellington Street N, Suite 118, Hamilton ON, L8L 8E7 Tel: 905-318-0070, E: community@bfo-hamiltonburlington.on.ca